Mr. Midshipman Easy Page 4

  CHAPTER FOUR.

  IN WHICH THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES GOING TO SCHOOL AS A REMEDY FOR A CUTFINGER.

  "Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr Easy?" said DrMiddleton, who had been summoned by a groom with his horse in a foam toattend immediately at Forest Hill, the name of Mr Easy's mansion, andwho, upon his arrival, had found that Master Easy had cut his thumb.One would have thought that he had cut his head off by the agitationpervading the whole household--Mr Easy walking up and down very uneasy,Mrs Easy with great difficulty prevented from syncope, and all themaids bustling and passing round Mrs Easy's chair. Everybody appearedexcited except Master Jack Easy himself, who, with a rag round hisfinger, and his pinafore spotted with blood, was playing at bob-cherry,and cared nothing about the matter.

  "Well, what's the matter, my little man?" said Dr Middleton, onentering, addressing himself to Jack, as the most sensible of the wholeparty.

  "Oh, Dr Middleton," interrupted Mrs Easy, "he has cut his hand; I amsure that a nerve is divided, and then the lockjaw--"

  The doctor made no reply, but examined the finger: Jack Easy continuedto play bob-cherry with his right hand.

  "Have you such a thing as a piece of sticking-plaster in the house,madam?" observed the doctor, after examination.

  "Oh, yes--run, Mary--run, Sarah!" In a few seconds the maids appeared,Sarah bringing the sticking-plaster, and Mary following with thescissors.

  "Make yourself quite easy, madam," said Dr Middleton, after he put onthe plaster, "I will answer for no evil consequences."

  "Had I not better take him upstairs, and let him lie down a little?"replied Mrs Easy, slipping a guinea into the doctor's hand.

  "It is not absolutely requisite, madam," said the doctor; "but at allevents he will be kept out of more mischief."

  "Come, my dear, you hear what Dr Middleton says."

  "Yes, I heard," replied Jack; "but I shan't go."

  "My dear Johnny--come, love--now do, my dear Johnny."

  Johnny played bob-cherry, and made no answer.

  "Come, Master Johnny," said Sarah.

  "Go away, Sarah," said Johnny, with a back-hander.

  "Oh, fie, Master Johnny!" said Mary.

  "Johnny, my love," said Mrs Easy, in a coaxing tone, "come now--willyou go?"

  "I'll go in the garden and get some more cherries," replied MasterJohnny.

  "Come, then, love, we will go into the garden." Master Johnny jumpedoff his chair, and took his mamma by the hand.

  "What a dear, good, obedient child it is!" exclaimed Mrs Easy: "you maylead him with a thread."

  "Yes, to pick cherries," thought Dr Middleton. Mrs Easy, and Johnny,and Sarah, and Mary went into the garden, leaving Dr Middleton alonewith Mr Easy, who had been silent during this scene. Now Dr Middletonwas a clever, sensible man, who had no wish to impose upon any one. Asfor his taking a guinea for putting on a piece of sticking-plaster, hisconscience was very easy on that score. His time was equally valuable,whether he were employed for something or nothing; and, moreover, heattended the poor gratis. Constantly in the house, he had seen much ofMr John Easy, and perceived that he was a courageous, decided boy, of anaturally good disposition; but from the idiosyncrasy of the father andthe doting folly of the mother, in a sure way of being spoiled. Assoon, therefore, as the lady was out of hearing, he took a chair, andmade the query at the commencement of the chapter, which we shall nowrepeat.

  "Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr Easy?"

  Mr Easy crossed his legs, and clasped his hands together over hisknees, as he always did when he was about to commence an argument.

  "The great objection that I have to sending a boy to school, DrMiddleton, is, that I conceive that the discipline enforced is, not onlycontrary to the rights of man, but also in opposition to all sound senseand common judgment. Not content with punishment, which is in itselferroneous and an infringement of social justice, they even degrade theminds of the boys still more by applying punishment to the most degradedpart, adding contumely to tyranny. Of course it is intended that a boywho is sent to school should gain by precept and example but is he tolearn benevolence by the angry look and the flourish of the vindictivebirch--or forbearance by the cruelty of the ushers--or patience, whenthe masters over him are out of all patience--or modesty, when hisnether parts are exposed to general examination? Is he not dailyreading a lesson at variance with that equality which we all possess,but of which we are unjustly deprived? Why should there be adistinction between the flogger and the flogged? Are they not bothfashioned alike after God's image, endowed with the same reason, havingan equal right to what the world offers, and which was intended byProvidence to be equally distributed? Is it not that the sacredinheritance of all, which has tyrannously and impiously been ravishedfrom the many for the benefit of the few, and which ravishment, fromlong custom of iniquity and inculcation of false precepts, has too longbeen basely submitted to? Is it not the duty of a father to preservehis only son from imbibing these dangerous and debasing errors, whichwill render him only one of a vile herd who are content to suffer,provided that they live? And yet are not these very errors inculcatedat school, and impressed upon their mind inversely by the birch? Do notthey there receive their first lesson in slavery with the first lessonin A B C; and are not their minds thereby prostrated, so as never torise again, but ever to bow to despotism, to cringe to rank, to thinkand act by the precepts of others, and to tacitly disavow that sacredequality which is our birthright? No, sir, without they can teachwithout resorting to such a fundamental error as flogging, my boy shallnever go to school."

  And Mr Easy threw himself back in his chair, imagining, like allphilosophers, that he had said something very clever.

  Dr Middleton knew his man, and therefore patiently waited until he hadexhausted his oratory.

  "I will grant," said the doctor at last, "that all you say may havegreat truth in it; but, Mr Easy, do you not think that by notpermitting a boy to be educated, you allow him to remain more open tothat very error of which you speak? It is only education which willconquer prejudice, and enable a man to break through the trammels ofcustom. Now, allowing that the birch is used, yet it is at a periodwhen the young mind is so elastic as to soon become indifferent; andafter he has attained the usual rudiments of education, you will thenfind him prepared to receive those lessons which you can yourselfinstil."

  "I will teach him everything myself," replied Mr Easy, folding his armsconsequentially and determinedly.

  "I do not doubt your capability, Mr Easy; but unfortunately you willalways have a difficulty which you never can get over. Excuse me, Iknow what you are capable of, and the boy would indeed be happy withsuch a preceptor, but--if I must speak plain--you must be aware as wellas I am, that the maternal fondness of Mrs Easy will always be a bar toyour intention. He is already so spoiled by her, that he will not obey;and without obedience you cannot inculcate."

  "I grant, my dear sir, that there is a difficulty on that point; butmaternal weakness must then be overcome by paternal severity."

  "May I ask how, Mr Easy, for it appears to be impossible?"

  "Impossible! By heavens, I'll make him obey, or I'll--" Here Mr Easystopped before the word "flog" was fairly out of his mouth--"I'll knowthe reason why, Dr Middleton."

  Dr Middleton checked his inclination to laugh, and replied, "That youwould hit upon some scheme, by which you would obtain the necessarypower over him, I have no doubt; but what will be the consequence? Theboy will consider his mother as a protector, and you as a tyrant. Hewill have an aversion to you, and with that aversion he will never payrespect and attention to your valuable precepts when he arrives at anage to understand them. Now it appears to me that this difficulty whichyou have raised may be got over. I know a very worthy clergyman whodoes not use the birch; but I will write, and put the direct question tohim; and then if your boy is removed from the danger arising from MrsEasy's over-indulgence, in a short time he will be ready for your moreimp
ortant tuition."

  "I think," replied Mr Easy, after a pause, "that what you say meritsconsideration. I acknowledge that in consequence of Mrs Easy'snonsensical indulgence, the boy is unruly, and will not obey me atpresent; and if your friend does not apply the rod, I will thinkseriously of sending my son John to him to learn the elements."

  The doctor had gained his point by flattering the philosopher.

  In a day he returned with a letter from the pedagogue in answer to onesupposed to be sent to him, in which the use of the birch wasindignantly disclaimed, and Mr Easy announced to his wife, when theymet that day at tea-time, his intentions with regard to his son John.

  "To school, Mr Easy? what, send Johnny to school! a mere infant toschool!"

  "Surely, my dear, you must be aware that at nine years it is high timethat he learned to read."

  "Why he almost reads already, Mr Easy; surely I can teach him that.Does he not, Sarah?"

  "Lord bless him, yes, ma'am, he was saying his letters yesterday."

  "Oh, Mr Easy, what can have put this in your head? Johnny dear, comehere--tell me now what's the letter A. You were singing it in thegarden this morning."

  "I want some sugar," replied Johnny, stretching his arm over the tableto the sugar-basin, which was out of his reach.

  "Well, my love, you shall have a great lump if you will tell me what'sthe letter A."

  "A was an archer, and shot at a frog," replied Johnny, in a surly tone.

  "There now, Mr Easy; and he can go through the whole alphabet--can'the, Sarah?"

  "That he can, the dear--can't you, Johnny dear?"

  "No," replied Johnny.

  "Yes, you can, my love; you know what's the letter B. Now don't you?"

  "Yes," replied Johnny.

  "There, Mr Easy, you see what the boy knows, and how obedient he istoo. Come, Johnny dear, tell us what was B."

  "No, I won't," replied Johnny, "I want some more sugar;" and Johnny, whohad climbed on a chair, spread himself over the table to reach it.

  "Mercy! Sarah, pull him off--he'll upset the urn," screamed Mrs Easy.Sarah caught hold of Johnny by the loins to pull him back, but Johnny,resisting the interference, turned round on his back as he lay on thetable, and kicked Sarah in the face, just as she made another desperategrasp at him. The rebound from the kick, given as he lay on a smoothmahogany table, brought Johnny's head in contact with the urn, which wasupset in the opposite direction, and, notwithstanding a rapid movementon the part of Mr Easy, he received a sufficient portion of boilingliquid on his legs to scald him severely, and induce him to stamp andswear in a very unphilosophical way. In the meantime Sarah and MrsEasy had caught up Johnny, and were both holding him at the same time,exclaiming and lamenting. The pain of the scald and the indifferenceshown towards him were too much for Mr Easy's temper to put up with.He snatched Johnny out of their arms, and, quite forgetting his equalityand rights of man, belaboured him without mercy. Sarah flew in tointerfere, and received a blow which not only made her see a thousandstars, but sent her reeling on the floor. Mrs Easy went off intohysterics, and Johnny howled so as to be heard at a quarter of a mile.

  How long Mr Easy would have continued it is impossible to say; but thedoor opened, and Mr Easy looked up while still administering thepunishment, and perceived Dr Middleton in mute astonishment. He hadpromised to come in to tea, and enforce Mr Easy's arguments, if it werenecessary; but it certainly appeared to him that in the argument whichMr Easy was then enforcing, he required no assistance. However, at theentrance of Dr Middleton, Johnny was dropped, and lay roaring on thefloor; Sarah, too, remained where she had been floored, Mrs Easy hadrolled on the floor, the urn was also on the floor, and Mr Easy,although not floored, had not a leg to stand upon.

  Never did a medical man look in more opportunely. Mr Easy at first wasnot certainly of that opinion, but his legs became so painful that hesoon became a convert.

  Dr Middleton, as in duty bound, first picked up Mrs Easy, and laid heron the sofa. Sarah rose, picked up Johnny, and carried him kicking androaring out of the room; in return for which attention she receivedsundry bites. The footman, who had announced the doctor, picked up theurn, that being all that was in his department. Mr Easy threw himselfpanting and in agony on the other sofa, and Dr Middleton wasexcessively embarrassed how to act: he perceived that Mr Easy requiredhis assistance, and that Mrs Easy could do without it; but how to leavea lady who was half really and half pretendedly in hysterics, wasdifficult; for if he attempted to leave her, she kicked and flounced,and burst out the more. At last Dr Middleton rang the bell, whichbrought the footman, who summoned all the maids, who carried Mrs Easyupstairs, and then the doctor was able to attend to the only patient whoreally required his assistance. Mr Easy explained the affair in a fewwords broken into ejaculations from pain, as the doctor removed hisstockings. From the applications of Dr Middleton, Mr Easy soonobtained bodily relief; but what annoyed him still more than his scaldedlegs, was the doctor having been a witness to his infringement of theequality and rights of man. Dr Middleton perceived this, and he knewalso how to pour balm into that wound.

  "My dear Mr Easy, I am very sorry that you have had this accident, forwhich you are indebted to Mrs Easy's foolish indulgence of the boy; butI am glad to perceive that you have taken up those parental duties whichare inculcated by the Scriptures. Solomon says, `that he who spares therod, spoils the child,' thereby implying that it is the duty of a fatherto correct his children, and in a father, the so doing does notinterfere with the rights of man, or any natural equality, for the sonbeing a part or portion of the father, he is correcting his own selfonly; and the proof of it is, that a father, in punishing his own son,feels as much pain in so doing as if he were himself punished. It is,therefore, nothing but self-discipline, which is strictly enjoined us bythe Scriptures."

  "That is exactly my opinion," replied Mr Easy, comforted at the doctorhaving so logically got him out of the scrape. "But--he shall go toschool tomorrow, that I'm determined on."

  "He will have to thank Mrs Easy for that," replied the doctor.

  "Exactly," replied Mr Easy. "Doctor, my legs are getting very hotagain."

  "Continue to bathe them with the vinegar and water, Mr Easy, until Isend you an embrocation, which will give you immediate relief. I willcall tomorrow. By-the-bye, I am to see a little patient at MrBonnycastle's: if it is any accommodation, I will take your son withme."

  "It will be a great accommodation, doctor," replied Mr Easy.

  "Then, my dear sir, I will just go up and see how Mrs Easy is, andto-morrow I will call at ten. I can wait an hour. Good-night."

  "Good-night, doctor."

  The doctor had his game to play with Mrs Easy. He magnified herhusband's accident--he magnified his wrath, and advised her by no meansto say one word, until he was well, and more pacified. The next day herepeated this dose, and, in spite of the ejaculations of Sarah, and thetears of Mrs Easy, who dared not venture to plead her cause, and theviolent resistance of Master Johnny, who appeared to have a presentimentof what was to come, our hero was put into Dr Middleton's chariot, andwith the exception of one plate of glass, which he kicked out of thewindow with his feet, and for which feat, the doctor, now that he hadhim all to himself, boxed his ears till he was nearly blind, he was,without any further eventful occurrence, carried by the doctor's footmaninto the parlour of Mr Bonnycastle.