Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2 Read online

  Chapter I

  The great advantage of being the fool of the family--My destiny isdecided, and I am consigned to a stockbroker as part of His Majesty'ssea stock--Unfortunately for me Mr Handycock is a bear, and I getvery little dinner.

  If I cannot narrate a life of adventurous and daring exploits,fortunately I have no heavy crimes to confess; and, if I do not rise inthe estimation of the reader for acts of gallantry and devotion in mycountry's cause, at least I may claim the merit of zealous andpersevering continuance in my vocation. We are all of us variouslygifted from Above, and he who is content to walk, instead of to run, onhis allotted path through life, although he may not so rapidly attainthe goal, has the advantage of not being out of breath upon his arrival.Not that I mean to infer that my life has not been one of adventure. Ionly mean to say that, in all which has occurred, I have been a passive,rather than an active, personage; and, if events of interest are to berecorded, they certainly have not been sought by me.

  As well as I can recollect and analyze my early propensities, I thinkthat, had I been permitted to select my own profession, I should in allprobability have bound myself apprentice to a tailor; for I alwaysenvied the comfortable seat which they appeared to enjoy upon theshopboard, and their elevated position, which enabled them to look downupon the constant succession of the idle or the busy, who passed inreview before them in the main street of the country town, near to whichI passed the first fourteen years of my existence.

  But my father, who was a clergyman of the Church of England, and theyoungest brother of a noble family, had a lucrative living, and a "soulabove buttons," if his son had not. It has been from time immemorial theheathenish custom to sacrifice the greatest fool of the family to theprosperity and naval superiority of the country, and, at the age offourteen, I was selected as the victim. If the custom be judicious, Ihad no reason to complain. There was not one dissentient voice, when itwas proposed before all the varieties of my aunts and cousins, invitedto partake of our new-year's festival. I was selected by generalacclamation. Flattered by such an unanimous acknowledgment of myqualification, and a stroke of my father's hand down my head whichaccompanied it, I felt as proud, and, alas! as unconscious as the calfwith gilded horns, who plays and mumbles with the flowers of the garlandwhich designates his fate to every one but himself. I even felt, orthought I felt, a slight degree of military ardour, and a sort of visionof future grandeur passed before me, in the distant vista of which Iperceived a coach with four horses and a service of plate. It was,however, driven away before I could decipher it, by positive bodilypain, occasioned by my elder brother Tom, who, having been directed bymy father to snuff the candles, took the opportunity of my abstractionto insert a piece of the still ignited cotton into my left ear. But asmy story is not a very short one, I must not dwell too long on itscommencement. I shall therefore inform the reader, that my father, wholived in the north of England, did not think it right to fit me out atthe country town, near to which we resided; but about a fortnight afterthe decision which I have referred to, he forwarded me to London, on theoutside of the coach, with my best suit of bottle-green and six shirts.To prevent mistakes, I was booked in the way-bill "to be delivered to MrThomas Handycock, No. 14, Saint Clement's Lane--carriage paid." Myparting with the family was very affecting; my mother cried bitterly,for, like all mothers, she liked the greatest fool which she hadpresented to my father, better than all the rest; my sisters criedbecause my mother cried; Tom roared for a short time more loudly thanall the rest, having been chastised by my father for breaking his fourthwindow in that week;--during all which my father walked up and down theroom with impatience, because he was kept from his dinner, and, like allorthodox divines, he was tenacious of the only sensual enjoymentpermitted to his cloth.

  At last I tore myself away. I had blubbered till my eyes were so red andswollen, that the pupils were scarcely to be distinguished, and tearsand dirt had veined my cheeks like the marble of the chimney-piece. Myhandkerchief was soaked through with wiping my eyes and blowing my nose,before the scene was over. My brother Tom, with a kindness which didhonour to his heart, exchanged his for mine, saying, with fraternalregard, "Here, Peter, take mine, it's as dry as a bone." But my fatherwould not wait for a second handkerchief to perform its duty. He led meaway through the hall, when, having shaken hands with all the men andkissed all the maids, who stood in a row with their aprons to theireyes, I quitted my paternal roof.

  The coachman accompanied me to the place from whence the stage was tostart. Having seen me securely wedged between two fat old women, andhaving put my parcel inside, he took his leave, and in a few minutes Iwas on my road to London.

  I was too much depressed to take notice of anything during my journey.When we arrived in London, they drove to the Blue Boar (in a street, thename of which I have forgotten). I had never seen or heard of such ananimal, and certainly it did appear very formidable; its mouth was openand teeth very large. What surprised me still more was to observe thatits teeth and hoofs were of pure gold. Who knows, thought I, that insome of the strange countries which I am doomed to visit, but that I mayfall in with, and shoot one of these terrific monsters? with what hasteshall I select those precious parts, and with what joy should I, on myreturn, pour them as an offering of filial affection into my mother'slap!--and then, as I thought of my mother, the tears again gushed intomy eyes.

  The coachman threw his whip to the ostler, and the reins upon thehorses' backs; he then dismounted, and calling to me, "Now, younggentleman, I'se a-waiting," he put a ladder up for me to get down by;then turning to a porter, he said to him, "Bill, you must take this hereyoung gem'man and that ere parcel to this here direction.--Please toremember the coachman, sir." I replied that I certainly would, if hewished it, and walked off with the porter; the coachman observing, as Iwent away, "Well, he is a fool--that's sartain." I arrived quite safe atSt Clement's-lane, when the porter received a shilling for his troublefrom the maid who let me in, and I was shown up into a parlour, where Ifound myself in company with Mrs Handycock.

  Mrs Handycock was a little meagre woman, who did not speak very goodEnglish, and who appeared to me to employ the major part of her time inbawling out from the top of the stairs to the servants below. I neversaw her either read a book or occupy herself with needlework, during thewhole time I was in the house. She had a large grey parrot, and I reallycannot tell which screamed the worse of the two--but she was very civiland kind to me, and asked me ten times a day when I had last heard of mygrandfather, Lord Privilege. I observed that she always did so if anycompany happened to call in during my stay at her house. Before I hadbeen there ten minutes, she told me that she "hadored sailors--they werethe defendiours and preserviours of their kings and countries," and that"Mr Handycock would be home by four o'clock, and then we should go todinner." Then she jumped off her chair to bawl to the cook from the headof the stairs--"Jemima, Jemima!--ve'll ha'e the viting biled instead offried." "Can't, marm," replied Jemima, "they be all begged and crumbed,with their tails in their mouths." "Vell, then, never mind, Jemima,"replied the lady.--"Don't put your finger into the parrot's cage, mylove--he's apt to be cross with strangers. Mr Handycock will be home atfour o'clock, and then we shall have our dinner. Are you fond ofviting?"

  As I was very anxious to see Mr Handycock, and very anxious to have mydinner, I was not sorry to hear the clock on the stairs strike four,when Mrs Handycock again jumped up, and put her head over the banisters,"Jemima, Jemima, it's four o'clock!" "I hear it, marm," replied thecook; and she gave the frying-pan a twist, which made the hissing andthe smell come flying up into the parlour, and made me more hungry thanever.

  Rap, tap, tap! "There's your master, Jemima," screamed the lady. "I hearhim, marm," replied the cook. "Run down, my dear, and let Mr Handycockin," said his wife. "He'll be so surprised at seeing you open the door."

  I ran down, as Mrs Handycock desired me, and opened the street-door."Who the devil are you?" in a gruff voice, cried Mr Handycock; a manabout six feet high
, dressed in blue cotton-net pantaloons and Hessianboots, with a black coat and waistcoat. I was a little rebuffed, I mustown, but I replied that I was Mr Simple. "And pray, Mr Simple, whatwould your grandfather say if he saw you now? I have servants in plentyto open my door, and the parlour is the proper place for younggentlemen."

  "Law, Mr Handycock," said his wife, from the top of the stairs, "how canyou be so cross? I told him to open the door to surprise you."

  "And you have surprised me," replied he, "with your cursed folly."

  While Mr Handycock was rubbing his boots on the mat, I went upstairsrather mortified, I must own, as my father had told me that Mr Handycockwas his stockbroker, and would do all he could to make me comfortable:indeed, he had written to that effect in a letter, which my fathershowed to me before I left home. When I returned to the parlour, MrsHandycock whispered to me, "Never mind, my dear, it's only becausethere's something wrong on 'Change. Mr Handycock is a _bear_ just now."I thought so too, but I made no answer, for Mr Handycock came upstairs,and walking with two strides from the door of the parlour to thefire-place, turned his back to it, and lifting up his coat-tails, beganto whistle.

  "Are you ready for your dinner, my dear?" said the lady, almosttrembling.

  "If the dinner is ready for me. I believe we usually dine at four,"answered her husband, gruffly.

  "Jemima, Jemima, dish up! do you hear, Jemima?" "Yes, marm," replied thecook, "directly I've thickened the butter;" and Mrs Handycock resumedher seat, with, "Well, Mr Simple, and how is your grandfather, LordPrivilege?" "He is quite well, ma'am," answered I, for the fifteenthtime at least. But dinner put an end to the silence which followed thisremark. Mr Handycock lowered his coat-tails and walked downstairs,leaving his wife and me to follow at our leisure.

  "Pray, ma'am," inquired I, as soon as he was out of hearing, "what isthe matter with Mr Handycock, that he is so cross to you?"

  "Vy, my dear, it is one of the misfortunes of mater-mony, that ven thehusband's put out, the vife is sure to have her share of it. MrHandycock must have lost money on 'Change, and then he always comes homecross. Ven he vins, then he is as merry as a cricket."

  "Are you people coming down to dinner?" roared Mr Handycock from below."Yes, my dear," replied the lady, "I thought that you were washing yourhands." We descended into the dining-room, where we found that MrHandycock had already devoured two of the whitings, leaving only one onthe dish for his wife and me. "Vould you like a little bit of viting, mydear?" said the lady to me. "It's not worth halving," observed thegentleman, in a surly tone, taking up the fish with his own knife andfork, and putting it on his plate.

  "Well, I'm so glad you like them, my dear," replied the lady meekly;then turning to me, "there's some nice roast _weal_ coming, my dear."

  The veal made its appearance, and fortunately for us, Mr Handycock couldnot devour it all. He took the lion's share, nevertheless, cutting offall the brown, and then shoving the dish over to his wife to helpherself and me. I had not put two pieces in my mouth before Mr Handycockdesired me to get up and hand him the porter-pot, which stood on thesideboard. I thought that if it was not right for me to open a door,neither was it for me to wait at table--but I obeyed him without makinga remark.

  After dinner, Mr Handycock went down to the cellar for a bottle of wine."O deary me!" exclaimed his wife, "he must have lost a mint of money--wehad better go up stairs and leave him alone; he'll be better after abottle of port, perhaps." I was very glad to go away, and being verytired, I went to bed without any tea, for Mrs Handycock dared notventure to make it before her husband came up stairs.